Let’s face it;
Being the nice guy comes with a heavy price.
Women & Men walk all over you, nobody listens to you, barely anyone takes you seriously, let alone respects you.
Deep down, you hate being that way , and yet keeps it all bottled up inside yourself & continues on without making any drastic behavioral / perspective changes (often due to the answer hiding where you’re most afraid to go).
In fact, your whole life is basically a long continuation of nobody ever reciprocating back to you what you give them (time, money, energy, etc..) & you silently resenting yourself for putting up with it for so long while simultaneously continuing to allow it.
& while you may DISGUISE your indirectness & deeply-rooted shame by telling yourself things like “but at least i’m not like the mean guys!” or “I’m just a really nice person!”..
It’s all actually very NOT TRUE, and it’s that thin layer of lies/self-deceptions that keeps you stuck in the people pleasing paradigm forever.
& deep down you’re just well aware of it. Gut feelings don’t lie.
Because at the end of the day your core issue is this - “You’re still human.” You got animalistic desires, sexual impulses, and all of the “darker aspects” of being a human inside of you
It’s just that you somehow not only disowned them, but also started thinking there’s something wrong with having them.
You have shame for your own “hardwiring”, which in a way is like having shame for getting hungry, wanting to have sex, and looking for a roof over your head
Think about it;
If a friend told you he felt guilty every time he wanted to have sex, you’d be like “man, you’re human.. There’s nothing wrong with you”
These are simply not things you can avoid..
Of course if you’re still not sure this is you? Here are 7 signs you might be the nice guy/people pleaser.”
Allergic to conflict: Even small decisions feel dangerous if you feel someone might disagree.
You adjust to status: You try harder for the people whose approval matters most to you.
You wear a social mask: What you say a do rarely matches what you actually think and feel. You only show the version of yourself you expect people to like.
You defer to others: “I don’t mind.” “Whatever you want.” You never speak your mind & put your desires first.
You over-apologize/over-explain: Someone bumps into you and you’re the one sorry + Always justify your decisions.
You can’t say no: A friend asks for a favor? Your boss adds some extra work? Answer is always yes, even when you’re already overwhelmed.
Emotional monitoring: You feel responsible for everyone’s mood, so you scan behavior and adjust yourself so nobody is bored, angry, or sad.
Your self-worth depends on other’s approval: You only feel valuable when you’re useful, liked, or needed.
You give more than you receive: You struggle to ask for help or accept kindness and compliments, and you stay in one-sided relationships.
You feel guilty putting yourself first: Resting, setting a boundary, or choosing what you want feels selfish.
If you counted three or more, keep reading..
The Origin:
Listen.
No one is born as a nice guy. Babies don’t worry about being agreeable or disappointing people. They just express their needs as they come.
So where does it actually come from?
You can blame it on many things, but deep down it all comes down one thing:
A “Big Self-Esteem” issue.
You simply don’t believe you’re worthy enough as you are.
& this manifests in your inability to trust your intuition, be yourself, and express your desires, thoughts, and feelings.
More specifically, your actions are driven by the quest for validation & fear of rejection/conflict/judgment rather than authenticity, or personal values.
Psychologists often trace “people pleasing” back to childhood.
Take someone who grew up with demanding parents, where pleasing them was the only way to avoid punishment or neglect, and where any attempt to assert themselves was shut down immediately.
That child quickly learns that their worth depends on keeping others happy, and not disappointing them. & while the child grows the rule stays. As an adult, they still treat other people’s disappointment as a threat.
It’s like they been programmed to feel “inadequate” unless they manage to meet others’ expectations - A survival strategy…
This may have also appeared as “conditional love” where child only received love, approval, or attention when they “did well”
Anyway, all same result..
Becoming an adult who believes their worth depends on others’ approval.
Of course, sometimes it has nothing to do with your parents.
Maybe you had no, or very few friends at school. Maybe you got pushed out of a group. Maybe you were always the last one picked.
All it takes is one stretch of time where you felt like you didn’t belong, and your brain learns the same lesson: be agreeable, or be left out.
Now; you can find many explanations for why you became that way, but they all lead to the same place: You believe something is inherently wrong with you.
So you’ve decided that pleasing people is the only way for you to hide your flaws, be appreciated, and keep the peace.
Break Free: Freedom.
Now; If you’re the nice guy/people pleaser understand that you’re just a couple inner shifts away from commanding respect, loving yourself, & living your life on your own terms (at least, IF you allow your delusions to die).
Step 1. Awareness:
Your first step toward stop being the nice guy is to accept within yourself that you are actually one, and that IT’S NOT KINDNESS, but rather some “self preservation”.
It is CRUCIAL that you get it into your head once & for all…
People pleasing is just fear in disguise.
It’s your insecurities, bad experiences, and past rejections running in the background, dictating your behavior, making you shrink yourself, and keeping you living by other people’s expectation